What Are Feelings?
Feelings can be confusing, distracting, irritating, or frustrating unless you understand what they are about. Because many people—especially men—rely more on reason than emotion for direction in life, feelings are oft en viewed as irritants, distractions, or even enemies. At their base, feelings are biochemical energies in your body in response to various situations, infl uenced by your past experiences and current thoughts. Feelings ( including sexual feelings) are not enemies; they off er you important information that your reason might overlook. Feelings off er data about yourself, your experiences, and your situation that are not available to you from logic or thinking alone. A Metaphor for Your Feelings Consider a metaphor that a number of men have told us helped them appreciate the value of their emotions.
A way to appreciate your feelings is to consider them to be your “buddies”—lifelong, loyal friends. Th ey have been with you through all of your life’s experiences—from childhood to now. Th ey remember your experiences even before you were old enough to remember, or now when you forget. Each feeling, then, is a savvy veteran of experience who will alert or protect you from situations that could distress you. Your friends vigilantly look aft er you. Th ey will not lie to you, bullshit you, abandon you, or be silent when concerned that you may forget or be misled by your logic. A good buddy will take you aside, counsel you, and even argue with you when he thinks you could be making a mistake or overlooking potential trouble. You may not like the counsel, thinking your emotional friends overprotect (or underprotect) or make things worse, but they are just doing their job. When you are feeling tentative or confl icted about your sexual health, your “emotional buddies” (loyal friends) let you know—anxiety, shame, frustration. Your loyal buddies get your attention; “cover your back.” On the other hand, when you are engaged in mutually healthy couple sex, they reward you with emotional self-assurance and satisfaction.